"Man is the only animal for whom his own existence is a problem
which he has to solve."
The Great Male Seduction: Success at Work; Failure at Home
"This scenario has been experienced too many times to count."
A couple gets married and begins to build a life together. Then the kids come, and with them more responsibility and stress. The husband/father is on the fast track to success in his career. Like so many men, he gets seduced by the idea of making it to the top of his profession.
There is only one problem. As he climbs to the top, he forgets to bring his family with him. (This can also happen to both men and women.) The husband/father builds his life around work; she builds her life around the kids. In a manner of speaking, he has an affair with his career, and she has an affair with the kids.
The wife and children may have "knocked on his door" for the husband's/father's attention, but he has not been answering; sometimes for a long time. Typically, there have been many fights over mundane things, while what the family is really searching for is a sense of connection.
By the time the pair see a counselor, they are roommates at best, and complete strangers, or sometimes enemies, at worst. As we begin to look at what the problems are and what we can do to fix them, the inevitable, and earned, resentment comes bubbling out.
"We never see you! All you do is work, work, work. You even missed Jimmy's baseball game." His response is "I can't help it! I have to provide for my family, someone has to pay for all this!"
The problem here is that a grain of truth ("I have to provide for my family") has been taken and so twisted and bent out of shape that it is destroying the family.
What does it really mean to provide for a family?
In the simplest terms, it means to be a full and complete partner in this adventure we call family, in everything from doing dishes and giving baths to entering into your partner's emotional world.
Let's put some hands and feet on this notion of being a providing partner. It takes more than your presence. It takes full participation in all aspects of the family. Here are just a few ways in which full participation is needed:
- Child rearing. Kids need both parents. This is such a simple notion, yet so profound. In everything from changing diapers to mending broken hearts, dads need to be actively involved in the nurturing of their children.
- Domestic chores. It's really sort of simple, isn't it? Both people live in the house, so both should have an equally proportionate share of taking care of it. I've heard it said that real men don't do windows. Real men do whatever is necessary for the family.
- Time. This is the active ingredient in nurturing children. Forget the cliche about quality time. Simply spend time together, doing something or doing nothing at all.
- Planning. Joint planning for the family's future needs is a task that is easily overlooked and left to chance... the "provisionary heart" of a man. It means to look ahead and plan for the needs of the family.
- Intimacy. This can still be difficult for most men. For men, intimacy gets all tangled up with sex. Sex is a part of intimacy, but only a part.
In order for a man to create an opportunity for emotional intimacy with his partner, certain needs have to be met. According to Willard Harley, author of ``His Needs, Her Needs'' the top five needs are:
- Affection. Touch that does not necessarily lead to sex. Touch that says, you are important to me and I care about you.
- Conversation. Talking for the sake of talking can be a bonding experience for couples. The only goal is to share yourself with each other.
- Honesty and Openness. This requires trust and vulnerability. Intimacy is letting someone know who you are.
- Financial Contribution. The one so many men get stuck on.
- Family Commitment. To be there to share the toil as well as the joys.
Providing for a family is so much more than providing only material things.
As Charles Petty of Family Success Unlimited says, "Climb the ladder of success and bring your family with you." So many men/women get caught up in the provider role that they forget to provide the most important thing - themselves. Remember, should one not have the inner-learning to balance the situation, it would be advisable for her/him to seek professional help through one of the EFAP/ARS branches, or your doctor.
The Human Nature Daily Review
Canadian Quotes of The Day ... and more [on the lighter side]
Fact Sheet: Illegal Drugs - Illegal drug trafficking is a global phenomenon with serious economic and social effects
... [read on]
Grieving Families Demand VLT Ban ~ Five grieving families from Newfoundland, Quebec, New Brunswick and Nova Scotia with relatives who killed themselves allegedly as a result of a gambling addiction are demanding government action to combat the growing problem, Canadian Press reported last week ... [read on]
Edition No. 28
Insight EFAP International
top
 Insight EFAP 2004©
800x600 resolution
Best w. IE 6/Netscape 7
|
Home