If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest. (Kin Hubbard)

Emotional pretense in romantic relationships often increases uncertainty and mystery, which usually magnify emotional intensity. When a man proposes to a woman and she responds with "Maybe," rather than "Yes," it increases her mystique and hence her attractiveness; it also allows her to cope with any future disappointment should the man be unwilling to develop a genuine romantic relationship later on. A major shortcoming of emotional pretense is that it makes emotional communication less sincere and hence less trustworthy. In the romantic realm this problem may even lead to sexual harassment.

Despite the crucial role of sincerity in emotional communication, there are circumstances in which deceptive emotional messages are conveyed. Common examples from the romantic realm are using tactics such as "hard to get" or "easy to get"; in both cases, the emotional message is somewhat deceptive, and while the receiver is not supposed to take it at face value, he or she may do so. In playing hard to get, the other person is encouraged to continue sustained efforts in order to interest the player despite apparent evidence of disinterest; and in playing easy to get, the other person is encouraged to engage in sexual courtship while the player does not always intend to engage in sexual activity. In playing hard to get, an emotional "Yes" is replaced by a verbal "Maybe," and in playing easy to get, an emotional "Maybe" is replaced by a verbal "Yes".

Confusing the real and the deceptive message may lead to charges of sexual harassment. Thus, it has been suggested that sexually aggressive men use a suspicion schema when interpreting the way women communicate their (lack of) sexual interest: such men assume that women do not tell the truth when it comes to sex. The consequences of misinterpreting women's emotional communication, which may result in sexually aggressive behaviour such as assault or even rape, is of particular concern as findings suggest that men oversexualize women after even brief interactions.

Ironically, deceptive strategies are also required for preventing sexual harassment. People are required to hide their sexual interest. In some places, male workers are not allowed to stare at women since this is considered an unwanted sexual advance and, as such constitutes an offensive act of sexual harassment. A friend of mine even told me that his colleague informed him that it was an infringement of her personal rights if he used her, without her permission, in his sexual fantasies, even if they were completely private.

It is obvious that emotional pretense does not justify what is regarded to be clear cases of sexual harassment, such as unwanted sexual relations. However, the nature and extent of sexual harassment is disputable and accordingly there are circumstances in which the connection between emotional pretense and sexual harassment is more complex. Thus, emotional pretense attempts to increase the other's attention; hence, it is not obvious that looking at women in public constitutes sexual harassment. It seems that there is no simple general solution to these complexities, which should be dealt with on a more individual level.

It is reported that studies show most women indicate sexual interest by using subtle and indirect cues. In one survey, women stated that they seldom used direct methods to express their sexual interest-for example, they did not talk directly about sex, guide their partner's hands to their genital area, or start undressing, signs which are considered to be the "most effective" way to signal sexual interest. Instead, they used more indirect means to express their interest in sex-for example, they dressed carefully, laughed easily, displayed interest in what the man said, or sat close to him.

By using indirect rather than explicit cues, women can keep their emotional attitudes relatively private, and can thereby avoid being labeled as promiscuous. Moreover, women can more easily change their minds if, during the process of acquaintance, they discover that they are not as interested as they were when they first met the other person. Women may also not feel sure about or ready for the affair. Indirect and subtle cues allow the woman greater control over the situation and may increase the man's desire toward her.

It is claimed that male tactics for attracting a partner include displaying masculine resources, commitment, physical prowess, and self-confidence. Women's tactics include enhancing their appearance, displaying fidelity, and employing sexual signals. Each of these tactics is often associated with emotional pretense. Thus, men's display (quite often ostentatiously) of good manners, of their wish to help and of sympathetic and caring attitudes are the most effective techniques for attracting women into a long-term romantic relationship, as well as luring them into brief sexual liaisons. The emotional pretense of having long-term intentions works more effectively as an attraction tactic when men employ it on women than when women use it on men.

The uncertainty concerning the authenticity of emotional messages can be reduced by eliminating the use of deceptive tactics or, for that matter, any type of pretense. Such reduction, however, has its own shortcomings, as romantic pretense guard our privacy and is useful for avoiding hurting other people.

Emotional pretense can take two basic forms: veil and mask, that is, hiding an emotion one feels and showing an emotion one does not feel. The veil and the mask can be effective in different circumstances and the ease of using them may differ in various situations and emotions.

Emotional pretense can be useful in several circumstances: (a) To gain some improper personal benefits-for example, by faking romantic affection for the boss in order to get a promotion, or faking remorse in order to escape punishment; (b) to protect our privacy-for example, by concealing our romantic or sexual attitudes, thereby avoiding becoming vulnerable; and (c) to avoid hurting other people-for instance, by faking an orgasm or by being careful not to express our sadness while standing near the bed of our dying friend.

Health Canada Reminds Canadians of the Dangers of Small Magnets If a child swallows more than one magnet over a short period of time, the magnets can attract one another while travelling through the intestines. When this happens, the magnets can slowly tear through the intestinal walls, and block or twist the intestines, and result in serious, possibly fatal, injuries. [read on]

Edition No.105
Insight EFAP International

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